Illustration Credit: Arba Bardhi
What U of T won’t tell you about the job market…
Stefanie Menezes, Lifestyle Editor
With graduation approaching, I just want to reassure all my fellow students who feel confused or lost that you will always find your footing. I was once in the same place as you are right now, but in researching and curating the following list, I have found my dream path after graduating with a Linguistics degree. I hope these jobs can inspire you, motivate you, and, in a world of aspiring doctors and lawyers, help you find hope for a fulfilling career that provides real value to society.
Program: Psychology, Anthropology, Sociology, Cognitive Science
Career: Former Disney Child Star
Who understands the cultural values of a society better than the children who starred in its most famous Disney shows? If you want to become knowledgeable about the intricacies of the human mind and human behaviour, consider the diverse opportunities available within the field, from countless nervous breakdowns to Hollywood success in adulthood; not to mention, someone needs to do their whole dissertation on how Bridget Mendler did what she did, and what better way to study her than to become her?
Program: English, Book and Media Studies, Literature, Philosophy
Career: Comment Section Warrior
Your advanced grasp of the English language and study of human nature through a literary lens is the ultimate qualification for arguing with people in the comment sections of viral videos and posts. You learned how to think critically and write out arguments — and now, it is time to branch out and start them. Think about it this way: with every text you study, your arsenal of ready insults grows deeper; not to mention, it has been scientifically proven that nobody will bother to fact-check your information if you use big enough words.
Program: Linguistics, any foreign language, Diaspora & Transnational Studies, Geography,
Political Science, International Relations
Career: Passport Bro
As a Linguistics major, I always ask myself what could be more fulfilling than going to another country and idealizing its culture as the ultimate cure to the societal faults in my home country. If you study the world or other parts of it, consider leaving Canada to seek out a partner that will submit to your every whim — bonus points if you can make all of your demands in a different language, and that doubles if you bring up your trip in every conversation when you’re back. Some employers will even give you additional points for creativity based on how completely unrelated the initial conversation is to your travels.
Program: Environment, Ecology, Urban Studies
Career: U of T Squirrel
Our campus has a certain quality that makes you never want to leave. I’m not sure if it’s the greyness of Robarts or the brownness of Bahen, maybe even the perpetual construction around Queen’s Park, and with it, of course, the beautiful sounds of machines drilling into concrete early in the morning. There are so many things to love around here that you might as well never leave. You read that right. If you are small, angry, can climb trees, and are inclined to throw small objects at people from said trees, this is the job for you! While this field is fairly saturated, new opportunities are always emerging due to the workplace hazard of rodent-on-rodent violence. Consider being a trendsetter in the discipline — as long as you can climb trees, there are no limits to what you can throw or who you can leap out in front of and ambush.
Program: Art History, Classics, Engineering, Architecture, History
Career: Campus Statue (and more!)
Another great job where you don’t have to leave the comfort of campus. You can find several statues around U of T that will not say no to mentoring you. Plus, if you can manage to move one, then you have just created a stellar job opportunity. However, if you can’t move any, then at least you know that there is stability in the field and the chance to build a strong foundation. This is another incredibly diverse field, which is why it offers opportunities to students with backgrounds in both arts and science studies; in fact, if you have the resources and relevant experience, you can even impersonate entire buildings. Aim high: if you devote yourself to being extremely tall and confusing, you could be the next Robarts Library!
Program: Music
Career: Spotify Playlist Critic
This one is especially relevant if you find yourself constantly telling your friends that their music taste sucks. They say that if you love what you do, you never work a day in your life. Then why not make people pay you to tell them the flaws in the things they enjoy? Familiarizing yourself with the current landscape of the field will help you get started. Some notable phrases that might come in handy during interviews are “so mainstream,” “you wouldn’t know them, they’re really underground,” and “name three songs that aren’t from their most recent album.” If you can spend the next year of your life doing nothing but listening to music, make sure to include “Top 0.1% of Listeners” as an accolade on your resume.
Program: Biology, Physiology, Kinesiology, Neuroscience
Career: “Operation” Game Victim
I think every life science student whose parents want them to be a doctor has secretly dreamed of being a patient in the board game “Operation.” As kids, every time you opened that box and accidentally removed a vital organ to treat a cold, you were filled with a deep sense of purpose and hope. However, as life went on, you were urged toward the practical side of the field in the interest of arbitrary societal factors like money and physical safety. This is why I’m here to tell you that you should never give up on those dreams. Cavity Sam really is in fact the impossible pinnacle of human experience that you have been waiting on becoming.
Program: Chemistry, Pharmacology
Career: Illicit Substance Critic/Consultant
You thought I was going to say drug dealer, didn’t you? No, with your extensive knowledge of the composition of substances and a university degree, you can afford to set your sights above the position of common peddler. The field of Refined Criminalism offers you two potential paths: Substance Critic or Substance Improvement Consultant for the entrepreneurs mentioned above. The latter provides higher pay and the ability to build relationships with clients, as well as the satisfaction of helping people pursue their dreams; however, if four years of undergraduate science was enough, and you feel like tapping into your artistic side, careers in criticizing others constantly afford you more opportunities to be creative, as well as the freedom of freelance work.
Program: Mathematics, Statistics
Career: Sesame Street Character
This is absolutely the best path for you. You have every skill required: counting, addition, subtraction, and knowing every number between one and ten. You probably already live on a street, so you understand the show’s core concept. All you need is a puppet, and guess what? They provide it! The only warning I can give you is that a lot of people go into the Sesame Street industry hoping to be the next Elmo. When they realize the impossibility of such a dream, they become disillusioned with the whole field and go back to school for their PhD to teach mathematics at a university level. Be realistic with your expectations and heed my single warning (which is not to say there are not many other warnings I should give you, but I may have signed an NDA, possibly in fear of a big yellow bird with no specific name)…
Program: Computer Science, Computer Engineering, Data Science
Career: Multi-Level Marketing Developer
You might think this career would be best for someone with a business background, but I assure you, your skillset is much better suited for this position. Your sophisticated knowledge of algorithms and data sets suggests you are the perfect person to point ads to unwitting social media users. You know what the people online want, but you also know what they will fall for: the next time you overhear a classmate complaining about their full-time job, start preparing that “Hey girly! I love your energy and your pics, you’re giving “queen” vibes! Speaking of, have you ever thought of being your own boss?” direct message on Instagram.
If you found your career on this list, and I know you did, don’t worry about trying to thank me — I’m already on the plane, watching Andrew Tate videos and rehearsing the same two pickup lines in several languages.
