Photo Credit: Arba Bardhi
Editorial sarcasm, real fake news, and an introduction to The Mock
Alessia Baptista, Editor-in-Chief
In case you’re new here, allow me to explain the greatness that is The Mock. The very last issue of The Mike, and most campus publications, is an absolute joke, so our take on this satirical last issue tradition is to call The Mike, “The Mock.” All articles are sarcastic and the design of our print issue is extra chaotic to end the year in a fun and lighthearted way.
Now that you’re caught up to speed, allow me to bless you with my newspaper and all its brilliant articles for one last hurrah in my role as your Editor-in-Chief. After all, this paper is all about me, since I’m literally the front cover.
Since you’re all going to be so sad that I’m leaving The Mike, I’ve decided to change its name to The Alessia, because you have to let my legacy live on.
This name change has been an executive decision made by me because this year’s paper has been a total flop. Who even reads newspapers anymore? Please, get a grip. Our website is called readthemike.com, but it should be called something else because nobody reads The Mike. Seriously, the food in the Canada Room is better than anything we’ve produced all year. I hope The Alessia adds more flavour to SMC’s journalism.
So, what should you do in the meantime? Literally do anything else except read The Mike. Get your own newspaper, because The Mike is mine. You can try writing for The Innis Herald or The UC Gargoyle because word on the street is they need to do better.
Zero mistakes were made in the design for the print issue of this newspaper. Actually, all the mistakes were made. We’ve purposely gone against every single principle of design and printed uneven body text just to piss you off. Sorry! The only serious piece in this issue is my final letter from the editor, which you can find on page 15 of the print issue.
Have a great summer SMC! I hope the Hoikety Choik haunts you in your dreams for the rest of time. Before I go, allow me to bless you with some final breaking news headlines:
BREAKING NEWS FROM THE EIC:
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF EMBEZZLES SMCSU FUNDS
THE BRENNAN HALL WASHROOMS ARE HAUNTED
DEAN OF STUDENTS OFFICE STEALS DEAN’S CUP TROPHY (it’s literally in the name- they deserve it more than Elmsley or Sorbara or any other residence, whatever their names are)
THE HOIKETY CHOIK WILL HAUNT YOU IN YOUR SLEEP
WHO’S YOUR DADDY? PLOT TWIST– ST. MIKE’S DOESN’T HAVE ONE. APPLY NOW BECAUSE YOU COULD BE NEXT.
BASIL IS NOT A BULLDOG. IT’S A HERB.
ORIENTATION IS OVERRATED (LET’S BE HONEST NO IT ISN’T)
ST. MIKE’S INTRAMURAL TEAMS GO PRO AFTER 5 STRAIGHT LOSSES
THERE IS A TROLL THAT LIVES UNDER THE ELMSLEY BRIDGE.
SELL YOUR SOUL TO SMC. DO IT.
2023 OC’S DECIDE NOT TO WEAR YELLOW- THE ULTIMATE SCANDAL
EDITOR-AT-LARGE OWNS JEANS (SHOCKER)
ST. MICHAEL AND BASIL SPOTTED HOLDING HANDS IN THE QUAD (BUDDING ROMANCE???? I THINK YES!)
THIS IS NOT FAKE NEWS. WE WOULD NOT LIE TO YOU. THAT WOULD BE POOR JOURNALISM.
GOODNIGHT.
