What’s Really in Your Chicken?

What’s Really in Your Chicken?

Illustration Credit: Arba Bardhi

The disturbing secret about Canada Room chicken — something suspicious has clucked its way into the Croom

Lucia Harley, Contributor

Most St. Michael’s College (SMC) students and Canada Room regulars have sat in the Canada Room and had a nice meal of chicken and rice. Served often, the chicken dishes have almost always had a starchy, bland taste and an almost fibrous texture. Or maybe, every so often, one hits a morsel of something like cardboard biting into their chicken burger. The mystery behind this flavour palette was finally uncovered this past Friday, March 1st. A student at St. Michael’s College found remnants of old textbooks in their sweet-and-sour popcorn chicken.

The student, who wishes to remain anonymous, was confused by the woody taste that the chicken left in their mouth. They took a small sample, wrapped in a Canada Room napkin, to the Lash Miller Chemical Laboratories near New College to conduct some minor tests. “I was just curious,” the anonymous student reported, “I had no idea it was something this, like, detrimental.” The results of the tests showed something extremely peculiar. A complete lack of any trace of chicken, and large amounts of adhesives, dyes, and paper. Upon further research and inspection, the student, and several consulted peers, discovered that each of these materials combined would equate to every chemical used to make a university-level science textbook. 

Upon further inspection, a group formed by the anonymous student and their peers found that there had been a suspicious dip in the admittedly large and unused supply of old textbooks in storage in the basement of the John M. Kelly Library. As it so happens, a group of staff members in SMC seemed to have banded together to make use of the textbooks. 

The group was discovered in the act by said group of students in a sort of textbook detective case showdown. They were stopped in their tracks, caught in the act of breaking up the textbooks and shaping the “chicken.” Their hideout was a small room hidden below Brennan Hall that still smells of fake chicken flavouring today. The group of students followed a trail of ambiguous clues left by a member of the fake chicken committee who had grown to regret their part in the destruction and lies. 

The committee is awaiting trial, and, as a dedicated Canada Room visitor, I was hoping that they would be punished accordingly. However, this week’s developments have led me to reconsider. A stir arose among students, who seem to have grown accustomed to the textbook-chicken flavour. Now that regular chicken is being served, complaints about every chicken dish have been sent in, in increasing amounts. Complaints so brutal and frequent, sources say, that SMC may even be looking to rehire the committee that began making the textbook chicken. In most recent events, students are emerging with papers on the nutritious benefits of textbook materials, and there is a rumoured protest scheduled for this coming Friday. Students and Canada Room visitors have been left lost and confused, missing the unique taste of the old chicken. For now, we are just left hoping that someday reparations will be made, and that we can find some way to remain dedicated Canada Room regulars for the years to come.