Photo Credit: Nick Iwanyshyn
Stubborn U of T refuses to lift its mask mandate
Lucas Saito, The Mike Staff Writer
Please note, this article is for Issue 10 of The Mike: our satire-filled version called “The Mock.”
On March 21, the Government of Ontario dropped the province’s mask mandate, finally freeing the sheep from their shackles. Keyboard warriors across the nation rejoice as the government finally begins listening to the truth.
Some universities, however, remain stubborn and ignorant. As per the University of Toronto’s most recently updated decree, students must remain muzzled and masked indoors for the duration of the academic term. Imagine that: nearly 100,000 kids across three campuses, forced to do the bare minimum to ensure the safety of others. Sad!
This is unacceptable. Not only is it a deliberate infringement of our rights, but it is also blatantly ineffective! Silly cloth masks only reduce the chance of infection by what, 56%? The apparently more effective surgical and N95 masks only reduce the risk by 63% and 83%, respectively. There’s no certainty there. I’ll take those odds. Plus, those numbers are from the CDC, which I don’t trust even if it is a reputable organization. Any self-respecting patriot never wears a mask.
And anyway, this Covid is nothing more than the simple flu. Fever? Chills? Headache? Please, as if these piddling symptoms were the cause of a pandemic that’s going to cost 12 trillion dollars and over 6 million lives. For an unbiased, boots-on-the-ground opinion, I’ll turn to Washington, DC, streamer and compatriot, OTR Survival, who’s coming down with Covid-like symptoms and described it as like being “hit by a bus.” I don’t know of anyone who wouldn’t describe a common cold or flu-like that.
Some smart-aleck students have pointed out that the University reserves the right to enforce its own mandates, as do other private businesses, regardless of government policy. What gives? I do support the right of private businesses to enforce their own policies and all, but I thought we already established that Covid is nothing to worry about. Why force us to stop transmitting the disease?
If you’ll excuse me, it’s the weekend. It is now time to take in the fresh air and parade around town while disturbing the peace. Above all, I will go advocate for true freedom for all: the freedom for all of us to spread Covid-19 to others.