Size Doesn’t Matter

Size Doesn’t Matter

Photo Credit: Arba Bardhi

But personality does

Devarya Singhania, Staff Writer 

James Bond is weak. I mean, what kind of a hunky, rich, smug protagonist has a talk show name like James? Both the talk show host and Bond are similar in many ways: both are annoying, always in suits, obnoxious, and British. Although Bond’s rizz, compared to  James Corden’s, is pretty much non-existent. Bond is weak. What kind of a coward only fights after he has acquired weaponry of the highest caliber? Pretty pathetic. That’s why I’m here to explain how Austin Powers could take him on any day of the week, and in doing so, can settle the debate on why personality matters more.

Austin Powers – that’s a name with gravitas. Austin. Not weak like James. The only reason Bond hasn’t fought Powers is that he’s afraid. You can practically see him trembling as he constantly switches actors to play the role while Powers’ portrayer has remained constant. Oh, how cowardly to be a chameleon in the world of Powers’ excellence. 

By the time Bond has loaded his fragile, overly glossed, basic pistol, Powers has already finished twerking fifteen times – lethal, immediate, perfect. It is hard to resist such an adorable man who twerks with such astute passion while an arrogant man in the most clichéd of suits is lethargically loading his gun, smirking, and trying to appear mysterious. That’s Powers’ power.

Have you ever seen Bond laugh? Has he ever made anyone laugh? All of Bond’s seemingly funny lines come when he’s desperately trying to woo one lady or another. When will he realize that his rizz is only as much as the money in his bank – like graduates of a major I’d rather not reveal. He tries to sound so raspy it hurts to listen to; Powers, though, he’s hilarious. If you had Powers flirt with the same girl as Bond, Bond would have to concede within mere seconds. You cannot out-rizz Powers’ “Shagadelic, Baby.” I would certainly want my date to be funny rather than an aficionado of the martini – the worst possible drink you could order.

“Shaken, not stirred.” Yuck. That’s a Bond catchphrase? So unfathomably generic. Sure, Bond is handsome and can carry a suit well, but who in their right mind orders a martini as their first choice drink? It’s such a dry, bitter, dehydrating choice out of all the flavorful cocktails. Pretentious, pompous, pathetic. I’d cringe if my date ordered a martini, embarrassment looming over me. I would have to dine and dash. 

Powers catches you with his catchphrases. “I Don’t Kiss And Tell.” “I Shag And Brag, Baby!” Of course he does. He’s quirky, charming, hilarious and humble. I would laugh, and probably fall for him right away if his twerks and quirks weren’t already enough.

Size doesn’t matter; personality matters so much more. Choose personality or else you’ll end up with a smug guy in a suit, who seems to joke but can only talk about matters so pretentiously grisly that you feel like drowning him in his martini. I so want Powers to fight Bond, and vehemently, alluringly stroke his gorgeous ginger hair just to see Bond grow insecure about his masculinity which he tries to defend through jokes but eventually crumbles into a state of disarray – shaken, not stirred.