Photo Credit: Arba Bardhi
Four steps for advancing your plot
Ridhi Balani, Staff Writer
Are you bored? Are you tired of your bland existence? Are you annoyed that no one fell in love with you at the bookstore? Well, fear not! I am here to provide you with four things to kick-start your main character journey and make you a potential kidnapping victim for boy bands.
The first thing you’re going to need is a confidence boost. And nothing is better for building confidence than the greatest song ever written and performed. This song is better than anything Queen, Nirvana, Taylor Swift, or any other so-called artist has ever come up with. That’s right! I’m talking about “This is Me” from the classic film: Camp Rock! Grab a hairbrush, jump on your bed with your shoes on, bend your knees at a 45-degree angle and let the greatness of the notes inspire you. By the end of this ritual, you will be assured of your power and will be ready to continue on the path to becoming a main character.
Now that you’re in the right mindset, you’re going to need to figure out the rules of the mysterious world you are venturing into. Fear not! There is an app designed for this very purpose. It will shake up your world and show you things that you will never be able to unsee. The name of this app is…Wattpad! From fashion tips about prime hairstyles (messy bun, always) to optimal worldly attitudes (you are not like the others), Wattpad has it all. The app will even tell you the best ways to get sold to boybands. What more do you need? All the instructions are at your fingertips.
Once you have familiarised yourself with the writing style of Wattpad’s excellent stories, you will be ready to understand a legendary TV series that defies expectations at every turn. Get ready to never know what’s going to happen next, which offers great preparation for life as a main character. You’ve guessed it – Riverdale is your go-to. Is the show’s villain maple syrup? A board game? A cult? Who knows? That’s the beauty of it. You will learn key skills that schools nowadays are too scared to teach you like owning – no, becoming – the colour red, and, of course, choosing the correct beanie for prime weirdo status. After all, a crucial step towards learning something is to observe it being done perfectly.
Now, there is one last key to becoming the best main character of all time – and this is the one with the highest kidnapping rate. Reject society and its rules. Educate yourself. My number one recommended text for becoming a main character is the Twilight series. What is a greater rejection of societal norms than following a vampire that continuously reminds you that he wants to kill you? A normal person (side character) would just run away, perhaps move across the country. But not Bella, who is a true icon. Study the story, every word, and the world will shine like the skin of a killer.
You are four steps away from advancing your plot and becoming a main character. Not everyone is brave enough to complete all the steps, but don’t be intimidated. I believe that there is a main character in everyone just waiting to be kidnapped. So, pick up that hairbrush and get ready to shine!